July 4, 1996 Freedom
The house seems so empty the past couple of days. Most of my stuff is in the other house. Only my bare essentials are here. Soon nothing will be. As we move, I am filled with a mixture of feelings. I am sad, grieving for what once was. Walking through the neighborhood and down memory lane, I realized that my memories have made me who I am, but you can’t relive them. Things—events—keep tumbling on and you can’t go back. Memories can be remembered, written and reviewed and learned from. But you can’t regret or change things. Anyway, these are current memories. These events will lead to more events yet unseen.
I found out that tonight I will be sleeping at the new place. Now that I am leaving this behind, I am leaving my childhood behind. I am 20 now. It is time to move on. I’ve wanted to move for so long. Back in 1991 I begged Mom to move. I was running away though. I needed to deal with a lot of issues—like love. Once I stopped struggling it happened. My environment changes because I do. I am ready for this and what lessons w ill be learned from it. The move is a stepping stone. First I will move to Galion and then to an apartment with Jason. Eventually we will move to my dream house. This move is one of many.
Still I can’t help but remember how things used to be and compare. We once only had a black and white TV and a rotary phone with a party line. Now we have 3 TVs that are all in color. We have a touch tone phone, A VCR and a Microwave. I used to have an awkward Mono radio. Then I had a radio with a tape deck. Eventually I got a two tape deck radio. My room had unicorns in it and two beds and a toy box. Now I have files and books!
I remember dancing to Summer Rain and Rainbow Brite. I remember making tents, playing Barbies. I remember various couches we had and the various places I put my bed and the various places I played.
You know I couldn’t reach the faucets when I moved here. I was 4yrs old. I’ve lived here at 54 ½ Third Street for 16 years! This is where my roots are. It is a big part of me and always will be. Kind of like Ben. Even though I’ve moved on to Jason, Ben will always be a part of me.
Harold is currently taking my stuff out the door. I am going to close now and help. My bed will be taken out from underneath me if I don’t move in a few minutes anyway. So in closing what is there to say? I’ve said most of it in this very long entry. My next entry will be in my new diary in my new house. I will leave some blank space at the end of this diary because my future has yet to be written and my past is not yet closed. I am existing in the now! Finally! Yes, things are moving and progressing slowly but surely.
So here is the past which made me and taught me. Here is the future, a vast space of possibilities and here is to now…the constantly shifting place. The place in which I dwell—the place in which I live and love.