Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression

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 I woke up in tears my second night at the hospital.  I’d had a dream about someone taking Ana from me.  I got up and went to the bathroom, where I sobbed uncontrollably.  I felt down right leaky. Eventually I wore myself out and went back to sleep.  But it was the start of a long and difficult post-partum period for me.

 The next day I was up and attempting to change Sebastian’s by myself for the first time.  As soon as I untapped the old diaper and the cold air hit him, Sebastian started peeing again. This time he got me instead of the diaper.  I should have laughed it off, but instead I began bawling. My mother asked if she could help and I told her I could do it myself.  She walked down to end of the hall while I finished putting the new diaper on Sebastian and collected myself. When I was done, I went and got Mom and Ana from down the hall.

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I was discharged pretty quickly. I had my paperwork done by morning, but I waited around until Sebastian’s paperwork came through at 6pm.  In retrospect, I should have stayed another night, but I didn’t.  Jason wasn’t able to be there to take me and Sebastian home. Instead, my mother-in-law came to pick us up.  She was tired and not really that excited to help out.  Then the nurse insisted I walk out instead of wheeling me in a wheel chair.  She insisted that it was good for me to move as much as possible.  I was tired and sore and really wanted that extra bit of pampering, but I didn’t get it. I was tired and sore and still recovering from my C-section, which is still a major surgery.  Not to mention my husband was still in the hospital.  Why couldn’t I get a freaking wheel chair I wanted to know, but I didn’t say anything.

The first weekend at home was nearly unbearable. All I wanted to do was sleep, but Ana wanted my attention even when I was trying to feed Sebastian.  Ana kept telling my Mom and Mother-In-Law to go away and then she started crying.  The adjustment was not going to be easy for her, which meant it wasn’t going to be easy for any of us.

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I tried to watch Casino Royal and The Fountain that night, but dozed off through both of them. The day never felt so long or so lonely.  By Monday I Mom had returned to her home. She missed her husband desperately and couldn’t deal with the stress of watching Ana any longer.  I was left to try and take care of both children on my own despite being sore and exhausted still.

Jason spent a total of six days in the hospital. When he finally came home it was a giant relief.  If nothing else, he was able to pay attention to Ana and keep her occupied while I changed and fed Sebastian all day.  Still, the depression lingered for awhile, although it eventually lessened in intensity.

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About carilynn27

Reading and writing and writing about reading are my passion. I've been keeping a journal since I was 14. I also write fiction and poetry. I published my first collection of short stories, "Radiant Darkness" in 2000. I followed that up with my first collection of poetry in 2001 called "Journey without a Map." In 2008, I published "Persephone's Echo" another collection of poetry. Since then I've also published Emotional Espionage, The Way The Story Ended, My Perfect Drug and Out There. I have my BA in English from The Ohio State University at Mansfield and my MA in English Lit from The University of North Carolina at Greensboro. I also have my Post BA Certificate in Women's Studies. I am the mother of two beautiful children. :-)
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